Languages to describe the different ways in which we show romantic love to our partners were first coined by Dr Gary Chapman in his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages. Since then, we have adopted his terminology into modern dating culture and have expanded on his original ideas.
What started as a guideline for how each person prefers to give and receive love via actions in a relationship has turned into a defining framework for choosing new partners and assessing the success of a love match.
Now, this idea has evolved to encompass a couple’s financial compatibility based on how they view, spend and save money.
Without further ado, let’s find out from the experts what your personal money language is and whether it is in alignment with your partner’s, before you come to blows over bank accounts.
What does the term ‘money language’ mean?
Essentially, this new dating phenomenon relates to the way in which we all express our financial interests, hopes, and goals. How we communicate about money has become more topical than ever as daily life becomes more expensive around the world.
While traditionally, any finance chat is heavily frowned upon, more and more couples are finding themselves arguing over money, so it’s well and truly time to start talking about it.
Hayley Quinn is a relationship expert and dating coach with over 15 years of experience under her belt. She explained the term to us and said: “We all know that people have different ways of expressing love, but how you communicate around money also plays a huge role in your success as a couple.
“Whilst most people in the UK recoil at the idea of talking frankly about their finances, your attitude towards money is a fundamental part of compatibility. This is where Money Languages come in.”
The expert continued: “Your Money Language is your preferred way of managing and communicating about your finances. If you don’t align with how your partner likes to talk about money, this can cause friction in your relationship.”
Adding to Hayley’s explanation, personal finance expert, Ellie Austin-Williams, said: “Your money language reflects how you communicate and relate to all things financial, both personally and when it comes to others.
“Much like love languages, which are now commonly understood, we recognised that we don’t all speak the same language in terms of money – so having a framework to help explore and explain money languages is a great way to gain a better understanding of why we think and feel the way we do about our finances.”
© Getty ImagesWhat are the seven money languages?
Starling Bank came up with seven different types of money languages that define how we react and approach talking about money in relationships. These include:
- Scarcity Mindset: Regular saver; spending makes them uncomfortable
- Money Know How: Open book; makes money work for them
- Financial Avoidance: Hates talking money; buries head in the sand
- Protecting Privacy: Hides their habits; values independence and control
- Acts of Finance: Provides; shows love by taking financial responsibility
- Lifestyle Enrichment: Lives in the moment; spends on experiences now
- Extravagant Affirmation: Gives generously; connects money to love
Why open conversations about money matter in relationships and how to start
Whether talking about money is an issue in your current relationship or not, chances are, at some point in the future, you will be forced to sit down and work out your finances if you are headed towards a long-term partnership.
Many of us feel uncomfortable about broaching the subject and are at a loss as to how to even bring it up. I know I struggle to initiate the conversation with my partner, so I was keen to hear the experts’ opinions on the matter and learn from their advice.
Ellie suggested: “It might not always seem the most important in a relationship, but money is such a fundamental part of our lives as it ties to our lifestyle goals and hopes, as well as impacting our choices and opportunities.
“Being able to communicate openly and effectively about money can make or break your relationships – so the sooner you start, the better.”
Hayley shared: “If you don’t understand each other’s money language, you may end up at loggerheads over your finances. That could be anything from feeling your partner is dragging their feet over opening a joint bank account or feeling your partner is always being overly thrifty.
“A lot of the time, couples may share the same motivation (to show love) but go about how they express that in polar opposite ways, which leads to conflict. One partner may splash out on an expensive gift, whilst the other saves all year round to budget for Christmas.
“Once you understand each other’s Money Language, it becomes easier to empathise with your partner and find a way to align on your financial goals,” the expert added.
She went on to reveal her advice for anyone struggling to start the conversation: “Find a calm moment to talk about ways in which you are similar or different, being careful not to see anyone’s money language as superior to someone else’s.
“Once you’ve had time to acknowledge where you’re similar, and where you’re different; try to come to one concrete action step you can take together. That could be:
- Starting a spreadsheet for your financial goals
- Checking your bank balances weekly together
- Remember to have a monthly chat about your shared financial goals, so they’re not swept under the carpet.”
© Getty ImagesWhat are the most compatible money languages?
Of course, these ideas in relationship terms are simply meant to act as helpful indicators of compatibility, and in some cases, there are exceptions that work out despite appearing incompatible on paper.
However, if you have a similar money language to your partner, chances are, the conversation will be a lot smoother, as will the decision-making moving forward when it comes to finances.
Hayley said: “Some people will naturally be less financially compatible than others, for example, a Lifestyle Enrichment will feel like money is to be enjoyed and have a ‘you can’t take it with you’ attitude; whilst a Saving Security will attach a sense of safety to seeing savings in the bank.
“That doesn’t mean that these two types of money languages can never be together, but that they will have to consciously work to understand each other’s attitude towards money.”
Ellie similarly added: “Money Know How and Financial Avoidance are, at first glance, the least compatible. One person is confident in money management and enjoys taking charge of their finances, in contrast to someone who evades money issues at all opportunities.
“However, if Financial Avoidance explains to Money Know How that they find money stressful and tend to avoid it, there is an opportunity for Money Know How to slowly help educate and build the confidence of Financial Avoidance, so they can work together towards shared financial goals.”
She concluded: “The key is being open and empathetic with other money languages – and acknowledging that there isn’t a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.”