Financial compatibility might not sound like the sexiest part of a relationship, but it could be one of the most important.
Two-thirds of couples say different money communication styles cause conflict in their relationship, according to research by Starling Bank.
Two-thirds also say it causes them to delay major life goals like buying a home or having children.
But Britons still find talking about money with their partner or potential partner taboo, with around a quarter saying conversations about money on a first date would give them the ick.
Understanding your money language can be the key to avoiding ending up in a financially incompatible relationship, according to dating coach Hayley Quinn.
“As a nation, we could do with becoming more comfortable talking about money and not seeing it as a taboo,” she said.
“In relationships, it can be an important factor in deciding who we couple up with.”
What is your money language?
Starling Bank has identified seven “money languages” based on how people like to handle their finances:
- Money know how
- Scarcity mindset
- Financial avoidance
- Protecting privacy
- Lifestyle enrichment
- Extravagant affirmation
- Acts of finance
Which money language do you speak?
Quinn helped the bank to come up with the categories and told the Money blog finances were an issue that came up a lot in her work.
“Money is much more of a pervasive thing that affects our self-esteem, our sense of self and happiness. Money doesn’t create happiness but a lack of it or mismanagement of it can create stress,” she said.
“That doesn’t mean we need to be millionaires to be happy, but it does mean we need to be financially aligned.”
What do the stats say?
Money matters are a significant source of tension, according to the research, with 76% of all couples arguing about money regardless of their approach to managing their finances.
The worst culprits? The couples with one partner who is “financially avoidant” and the other whose money language is “acts of finance” – 97% of these partnerships argue about money.
This is followed by couples with one person who has a “lifestyle enrichment” style to money and the other in the “money know how” category, with 92% arguing over finances.
These clashes often play out in day-to-day arguments, including disagreements over non-essential spending (17%) and how much to save (15%).
How can you bring up money with your partner?
In a settled relationship, it can be tricky to speak to your partner about your financial goals, especially if they have changed while you’ve been together.
Discussing and agreeing on a shared goal, instead of the path you take to get there, could be a good place to start, Quinn said.
“If you peel a layer back and you get to the core truth, they both want similar goals, even if they want to get there differently,” she said.
She explained there could be a trade-off depending on whether couples were thinking in short, medium or long-term goals.
If you’re a “saver” with a “spender”, it might be a case of educating your partner to feel a similar emotional connection to saving as they do with spending.
Quinn gave the example of celebrating hitting a savings target as a way to get spenders more emotionally invested in storing cash.
For a “spender” encouraging a “saver”, it might be important to make their partner feel secure in splashing the cash.
One way to do this is to sit down and work out their finances, setting aside a certain amount each month that can be spent on buying things or fun experiences.
Quinn said this might make them feel more protected and positive when spending money.
Olympic diver Tom Daley and his husband, film director Dustin Lance Black, recently appeared on Sky News to talk about how they handle their opposite approaches to money…
What about a ‘money date’ for Valentine’s Day?
If your relationship needs some financial fine-tuning, why not use Valentine’s Day as a chance to have a “money date”?
The term has been coined for setting aside dedicated time to talk about finances, review incomes, spending and goals.
“Couples often hesitate to talk about money, but it’s one of the most important conversations you’ll have,” Adrian Murphy, chief executive at wealth management firm Murphy Wealth, said.
“Financial strains continue to play a significant role in breakups and divorces, so creating an open dialogue and setting clear boundaries can strengthen both your finances and your relationship. The more open you are, the easier it becomes to align your financial future.”
He suggested using these “dates” to check in on shared goals, spending habits, debts and expectations.
Doing so will make sure that both partners feel secure and respected in their financial decisions.
Before taking the plunge of setting up a joint account, he said, you should discuss how much each of you would contribute, whether it’s an equal split or proportional to income.
It’s also wise to make sure you have a personal account as well – this will help you keep a sense of control and autonomy.
Dating? How to make sure they are financially suited to you…
It might feel difficult to bring up money habits on a first date, but there is a place for these conversations in the dating process, according to Quinn.
“It is important to find people who we have comparable values with,” she said.
Asking lifestyle-oriented questions could help figure out financial priorities, she said. For example, if asking about where they live, slip in a question about whether they bought it or rent.
It can also be helpful to share something personal before asking questions to encourage them to do the same.
For example, describing yourself as a huge saver could prompt them to say that they are too, or to reveal that they prefer to spend money on holidays.
“It can ground the conversation by making it about feelings,” said Quinn, adding it could match people up or create a contrast.
She warned that an unwillingness to engage at all in the conversation could be a red flag, as it might suggest they are on a different page to you or a bad communicator.
“Not being willing to talk could be the start of problems,” she added.
Also, be wary of “extreme generosity” right at the beginning of a relationship.
While some people might enjoy sharing their wealth, she said, it’s worth taking a pause and considering if it might be a mismatched approach to yours.
A final top tip for Valentine’s Day…
Put the phones down. Get out of the house. Have a proper conversation.
That’s how Quinn thinks you should spend Valentine’s Day.
“There is a lot of gloss on social media about what we should be doing… when that’s not reality. It’s not about the lavish meals or the gifts, but the time spent together,” she says.
“The more open and honest we can be and the more normal we can feel, the better. Real life is different to social media, and it’s better.”